(man) Do you find me sadistic?
You know, Kiddo...
... I'd like to believe...
... you're aware enough, even now...
... to know that there's nothing sadistic...
... in my actions.
At this moment...
... this is me...
... at my most masochistic.
Bill.
It's your ba...
(woman) Looked dead, didn't I?
Well, I wasn't.
But it wasn't from lack of trying, I can tell you that.
Actually, Bill's last bullet put me in a coma -
a coma I was to lie in for four years.
When I woke up, I went on what the movie advertisements refer to as
"a roaring rampage of revenge."
I roared, and I rampaged,
and I got bloody satisfaction.
I've killed a hell of a lot of people to get to this point,
but I've only one more.
The last one.
The one I'm driving to right now.
The only one left.
And when I arrive at my destination,
I am gonna kill Bill.
(instrumental)
(woman) The incident that happened at the Two Pines Wedding Chapel
that put this whole gory story into motion
has since become legend.
"Massacre at Two Pines."
That's what the newspapers called it.
The local TVnews called it,
"The El Paso, Texas Wedding Chapel Massacre."
How it happened, who was there,
how many got killed and who killed them -
changes depending on who's telling the story.
In actual fact, the massacre didn't happen during a wedding at all.
It was a wedding rehearsal.
Now, when we come to the part where I say,
"You may kiss the bride," you may kiss the bride.
But don't stick your tongue in her mouth.
(laughter)
This might be funny to your friends,
but it would be embarrassing to your parents.
(laughter continues)
We'll try to restrain ourselves, Reverend.
Y'all got a song?
How 'bout "Love Me Tender"? I can play that.
- Sure. - Yeah.
"Love Me Tender" would be great.
Rufus - he's the man.
Rufus, who was that that you used to play for?
Rufus Thomas.
I was a Drell. I was a Drifter. I was a Coaster.
I was part of the Gang. I was a Barkay.
If they come through Texas, I done played with 'em.
Rufus - he's the man.
- Have I forgotten anything? - Um...
Oh yes, you forgot, uh, the seating arrangements.
- Thank you, Mother. - Yes.
Now, the way we normally do this -
we have the bride's side, and then we have the groom's side.
But since the bride ain't got nobody comin',
and the groom's got far too many people comin'...
Well, yeah, they're comin' all the way from Oklahoma.
Right...
Well, I don't see no problem with...
...the groom's side sharing the bride's side.
- Do you, Mother? - I don't have a problem with that.
But, uh...
Honey, you know, it would be good if you had somebody come.
You know, as a sign of good faith?
Well, I don't have anybody...
...except for Tommy and my friends.
- You have no family? - Well, I'm workin' on changing that.
Mrs. Harmony, we're all the family this little angel's ever gonna need.
I'm not feeling very well, and this bitch is starting to piss me off.
So while y'all blather on, I'm gonna go outside and get some air.
OK. Um, uh, Reverend, sorry, uh...
- She's gonna go out and get some air. - Yeah. Given her delicate condition...
She just needs a few minutes to get it together. She'll be OK.
(Reverend) Right...
(flute)
Hello, Kiddo.
- How did you find me? - I'm the man.
What are you doin' here?
What am I doin'?
Well...
...moment ago I was playin' my flute.
At this moment...
...l'm lookin' at the most beautiful bride these old eyes have ever seen.
- Why are you here? - Last look.
- Are you gonna be nice? - I've never been nice in my whole life.
But I'll do my best to be sweet.
Hmm.
I always told you...
...your sweet side is you best side.
I guess that's why you're the only one who's ever seen it.
- So you got a bun in the oven. - Hmm.
- I'm knocked up. - Jeez, Louise.
That young man of yours sure doesn't believe in wasting time, does he?
Have you seen Tommy?
- Big guy in the tux? - Yes.
Then I saw him.
I like his hair.
You promised you'd be nice.
No, I said I'd do my best. That's hardly a promise.
But you're right.
What does your young man do for a living?
He owns a used record store here in El Paso.
- Ah. Music lover, eh? - He's fond of music.
Aren't we all?
And what are you doing for a J-O-B these days?
I work in the record store.
Aso.
It all suddenly seems so clear.
- Do you like it? - Yeah. I like it a lot, smartass.
I get to listen to music all day...
...talk about music all day. It's really cool.
It's gonna be a great environment for my little girl to grow up in.
As opposed to jetting around the world, killing human beings,
and being paid vast sums of money?
Precisely.
Well, my old friend...
...to each his own.
However, all cockblockery aside...
I am looking forward to meeting your young man.
I happen to be, more or less, particular whom my gal marries.
- You want to come to the wedding? - Only if I can sit on the bride's side.
You'll find it a bit lonely on my side.
Your side always was a bit lonely.
But I wouldn't sit anywhere else.
You know...
...I had the loveliest dream about you...
Oh, here's Tommy! Call me Arlene.
- You must be Tommy! - Uh-huh.
Arlene's told me so much about you.
- Honey, you OK? - Oh, I'm fine.
Tommy, I'd like you to meet my father.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, this is great!
I'm so glad to meet you, sir... uh, Dad.
The name's Bill.
Well, it's great to meet you... Bill.
- Arlene told me you couldn't make it. - Surprise.
That's my pop for ya. Always full of surprises.
Well, in the surprise department...
...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
- When did you get in? - Just now.
- Did you come straight from Australia? - Of course.
Daddy, I told Tommy that you were in Perth mining for silver, and...
...no one could reach you.
Lucky for us all, that's not the case.
So...
What's this all about? I've heard of wedding rehearsals,
but I don't believe I've ever heard of a wedding dress rehearsal before.
We thought,
"Why pay so much money for a dress you're only gonna wear once?"
Especially when Arlene looks so goddamn beautiful in it.
So, I think we're gonna try to get all the mileage we can out of it.
Isn't it supposed to be bad luck for the groom to see the bride
in her wedding dress before the ceremony?
Well, I guess I just believe in living dangerously.
I know just what you mean.
(Reverend) Son. Some of us have places to be.
(Rufus) Sure do.
Look, we got to go through this one more time. So, why don't you have a s...
Oh, my God. What am I thinking? You should give her away!
Tommy, that's not exactly Daddy's cup of tea.
I think Father would be much more comfortable
- sitting with the rest of the guests. - Hmm. Really?
That's asking a lot.
Oh. OK. Well, forget it.
But how about we go out to dinner tonight to celebrate?
Only on the condition that I pay for everything.
Deal. We got to do this now.
- Can I watch? - Absolutely. Have a seat.
- Which is the bride's side? - Right over here.
(Reverend) Mother, here we go!
Now son, about them vows...
(guitar)
Bill...
- I just want... - You don't owe me a damn thing.
If he's the man you want...
...then go stand by him.
- Do I look pretty? - Oh, yes.
Thank you.
(Reverend) What the hell?
(screaming)
(bride) No! Bill!
(machine gunfire)
(barking)
(bells toll)
(bird chirps)
You tellin' me she cut her way through 88 bodyguards before she got to O-Ren?
Nah, there wasn't really 88 of 'em.
They just called themselves "The Crazy 88"
- How come? - I don't know.
I guess they thought it sounded cool.
Anyhow, they all fell under her Hanzo sword.
- She got a Hanzo sword? - He made one for her.
Didn't he swear a blood oath to never make another sword?
It would appear he has broken it.
Them Japs sure know how to hold a grudge, don't they?
Or maybe...
...you just tend to bring that out in people.
I know this is a ridiculous question before I ask it,
but you haven't, by any chance, kept up with your... swordplay?
I, um...
(belches) I pawned that years ago.
You hocked a Hattori Hanzo sword?
Yep.
It was priceless.
Well, not in El Paso, it ain't.
In El Paso, I got me $250 for it.
I'm a bouncer in a titty bar, Bill.
(sniffs)
If she wants to fight with me, all she's got to do is come down to the club
and start some shit, and we'll be in a fight.
I know we haven't spoken in some time,
and the last time we spoke wasn't the most pleasant,
but you've got to get over being mad at me,
and start becoming afraid of (bleep),
because she is coming, and she's coming to kill you.
And unless you accept my assistance, I have no doubt she will succeed.
I don't dodge guilt, and I don't Jew out of paying my comeuppance.
Can't we just... forget the past?
That woman...
...deserves her revenge.
And...
...we deserve to die.
But then again...
...so does she.
So I guess...
...we'll just see.
Won't we?
(distant music)
(Spanish music)
Late again.
Budd, can't you tell time?
There ain't nobody in here, man.
- (man) Is that Budd? - Yeah.
(man) Tell him to get his fucking ass back here!
OK.
Budd, Larry'd like a word with ya.
Take a hit. Be somebody, baby.
You looking for me?
I don't know what car wash you worked before you came here
that let you stroll in 20 minutes late, but it wasn't owned by me
- and I own a fuckin' car wash. - Do you want me to leave?
No, I don't want you to leave. I want you to sit and wait.
Larry...
...there ain't nobody out there, so...
(slurring) "There's nobody out there, Larry."
What's your point?
- That you're not needed here? - My point is...
...l'm the bouncer, and there ain't nobody out there to bounce.
You saying that the reason...
...that you're not doing the job that I'm...
...paying you to do is that you don't have a job to do?
- No... - Is that what you're saying?
What are you trying to convince me of, exactly?
That you're as useless as an asshole right here?
Well, guess what, buddy?
I think... you just fucking convinced me.
Let's go to the calendar.
It's calendar time.
Calendar time for Buddy.
- OK. You working tomorrow? - Yeah.
Mm. No, you're n... You don't even know what fucking day you work.
Here. You're not working tomorrow.
You're working Wednesday. Here you are. There you go.
- Workin' Thursday? - Yeah.
I don't think so. Friday.
I d... There's your name.
- If you say so. - There used to be your name. OK?
- Saturday. There used to be your name. - Oh.
Uh, Monday...
Here. How about that?
Fuckin' with your cash is the only thing you kids seem to understand. OK?
Now, I want you to go home till I call you.
Till I call you.
Before you leave, talk to Rocket. She's got a job for you to do.
And...
...the hat.
That fuckin' hat.
That fucking...
How many times have I told you,
don't wear that fucking hat here? How many?
Customers wear hats.
Well, I'm not the boss of the customers.
I'm the boss of you. And I'm telling you...
...that I want you to keep that shit-kicker hat at home.
(lighter clicks)
(lighter clicks again)
Yeah. Budd, honey, uh, the toilet is at it again.
There's shitty water all over the floor.
OK... Rocket.
- I'll clean it up. - Mm-hmm.
("A Satisfied Mind"by Johnny Cash)
How many times
Have you heard someone say,
"If I had his money,
I could do things my way"
But little they know
That it's so hard to find
One rich man in ten
With a satisfied mind
Once I was wading
In fortune and fame
Everything that I dreamed for
To get a start in life's game
Then suddenly it happened
I lost every dime, but I'm richer...
(dogs barking)
(music stops)
(music continues)
How many times
Have you heard someone say...
(groans)
(music continues)
(laughing)
(music stops)
Now...
...that gentled you down some, didn't it?
Yep.
Ain't nobody a badass with a double dose of rock salt dug deep in her tits.
Not havin'... tits...
...as fine...
...or as big as yours,
I can't even imagine how bad that shit must sting.
(coughs)
Yet...
...I don't want to, neither.
I win.
(coughs)
(groaning)
Ugh! Ugh.
(ringing)
Bill.
Wrong brother, ya hateful bitch.
- Budd. - Bingo.
And to what do I owe this dubious pleasure?
(sniffs) I just caught me the cowgirl ain't never been caught.
- Did you kill her? - Well, not yet, I ain't.
I shot her full of rock salt.
She's so gentle right now, I could perform her coup de grâce with a rock.
Anywho...
Guess what I'm holdin' in my hand right now?
What?
A brand spankin' new Hattori Hanzo sword.
And I'm here to tell ya, Elle,
...that's what I call sharp. - How much?
Oh, that's hard to say, bein' that it's... priceless and all.
What's the terms?
You get your bony ass down here first thing in the morning...
...with a million dollars in folding cash...
...and I'll give you the greatest sword ever made by a man.
Now, how do you like the sound of that?
Sounds like we got a deal.
- One condition. - What?
She must suffer to her last breath.
(chuckling) Well...
That, Elle darlin'...
...I can pretty much damn well guarantee.
Then I'll see you in the mornin', millionaire.
All right.
(country)
(men chattering)
(grunting)
(owl hooting)
(shoveling)
(footsteps approach)
Wakey, wakey.
Eggs and bakey.
(grunts)
(man) I'm done!
Get me outta this hole!
(Budd) Good.
(grunts)
(man) Whew.
Whoa, look at those eyes.
(chuckles) This bitch is furious.
(sniffs) What did I tell ya?
Is she the cutest little blond pussy you ever saw?
Or... is she the cutest little blond pussy you ever saw?
I seen better.
You got anything to say?
White women call this "the silent treatment."
And we let 'em think we don't like it.
(snorts)
You grab the feet, I'll get the head.
(belches)
(grunting)
Hey. Hey. Hey!
Wiggle worm, you see this?
You see it, don't ya?
That's a can of Mace.
Mm-hmm. No.
You're goin' underneath the ground tonight.
And... that's all there is to it.
I wanna bury ya.
I was gonna bury ya...
(chuckles)... with this.
But if you're gonna act like a horse's ass...
...l'm gonna spray this whole goddamn can right in your eyeballs!
I'll burn 'em right outta your fuckin' head.
Then you're gonna be blind...
...and burnin'...
...and buried alive.
Now, what's it gonna be, sister?
That's a wise decision.
This is for breakin' my brother's heart.
(whimpers)
(thumping)
(cries)
(panting/crying)
(gasps)
(rumbling)
(panting)
(rumbling continues)
(panting faster)
(rumbling continues)
(panting continues)
(whimpers)
(grunt)
(creaking)
(thud/grunt)
(breathing softly)
(Ioud thud)
(panting)
(Ioud thud)
(crying/Ioud thud)
(gasping)
(Ioud thud)
(thud)
(whimpering)
(thud)
(grunting)
(sobbing/distant thud)
(grunting)
(crying)
(faint rumbling)
(sobs)
(panting)
(grunting)
(screaming/grunting)
(crying)
(flute)
Once upon a time...
...in China...
...some believe around the year...
...one double aught-three,
head priest of the White Lotus Clan, Pai Mei, was walking down a road...
...contemplating whatever it is
that a man of Pai Mei's infinite powers would contemplate -
which is another way of saying, "Who knows?" -
when a Shaolin monk appeared on the road,
traveling in the opposite direction.
As the monk and the priest crossed paths...
...Pai Mei...
...in a practically unfathomable display of generosity,
gave the monk the slightest of nods.
The nod...
...was not returned.
(note)
Now, was it the intention of the Shaolin monk to insult Pai Mei?
Or did he just fail to see the generous social gesture?
The motives of the monk remain unknown.
What is known...
...were the consequences.
(flute)
The next morning, Pai Mei appeared at the Shaolin temple...
...and demanded of the temple's head abbot
that he offer Pai Mei his neck to repay the insult.
The abbot, at first, tried to console Pai Mei.
Only to find Pai Mei was...
...inconsolable.
(flute)
So began...
...the Massacre of the Shaolin Temple, and all sixty of the monks inside,
at the fists of the White Lotus.
And... so began the legend...
...of Pai Mei's Five-Point-Palm Exploding-Heart Technique.
And what, pray tell, is the Five-Point-Palm
- Exploding-Heart Technique? - Quite simply,
the deadliest blow in all of martial arts.
He hits you with his fingertips...
...at five different pressure points on your body...
...and then lets you walk away.
But once you've taken five steps...
...your heart explodes inside your body...
...and you fall to the floor, dead.
- Did he teach you that? - No.
He teaches no one the Five-Point-Palm Exploding-Heart Technique.
Now...
...one of the things I've always liked about you...
...Kiddo...
...is you appear wise beyond your years.
So, allow me to impart a word to the wise:
Whatever...
... whatever Pai Mei says, obey.
If you flash him, even for an instant, a defiant eye, he'll pluck it out.
And if you throw any American sass his way...
...he'll snap your back and your neck like they were twigs.
And that will be the story of you.
(flute)
He'll accept you as his student.
- What happened to you? - Nothin'.
- Get in a fight? - Friendly contest.
Why did he accept me?
Because he's a very, very, very old man.
And like all rotten bastards...
...when they become old, they get lonely.
Which has no effect on their dispositions,
but it does teach them the value of company.
Whew. Oh.
(sighs) Just seein' those steps again makes me ache.
You're gonna have a lot of fun
carrying buckets of water up and down that fucker.
When will I see you again?
That's the title of my favorite soul song of the seventies.
- What? - Nothin'.
When he tells me you're done.
When do you think that might be?
That, my dearest, depends entirely on you.
Now remember, no sarcasm, no backtalk.
At least not for the first year or so.
You're gonna have to let him warm up to you.
He hates Caucasians, despises Americans,
and has nothing but contempt for women.
So in your case... it might take a little while.
- Adiós. - (engine starts)
Master...
Your Mandarin is lousy.
It causes my ears discomfort.
You bray like an ass!
You are not to speak unless spoken to.
Is it too much to hope... you understand Cantonese?
I speak Japanese very well...
I didn't ask if you speak Japanese...
I asked if you understand Cantonese?
A little.
You are here to learn the mysteries of Kung Fu, not linguistics.
If you can't understand me...
I will communicate with you like I would a dog.
When I yell, when I point, when I beat you with my stick!
Bill is your master, is he not?
Yes, he is.
Your master tells me... you're not entirely unschooled.
What training do you possess?
I am proficient in Tiger-Crane Style,
and I am more than proficient in the exquisite art of the Samurai sword.
(scoffs)
The exquisite art of the Samurai sword. Don't make me laugh!
Your so-called exquisite art, is only fit for...
Japanese fat heads!
(laughs)
Your anger amuses me. Do you believe you are my match?
No.
Are you aware I kill at will?
Yes.
Is it your wish to die?
No.
(laughs)
Then you must be stupid...
Then you must be stupid... so stupid.
Rise, and let me look at your ridiculous face.
Rise.
So my pathetic friend... Is there anything that you can do well?
What's the matter?
Cat got your tongue?
- Oh yes, you speak Japanese.
I despise the Goddamn Japs!
Go to that rack.
Remove the sword.
(whooshes)
Let's see how good you really are.
Lf...
...you land a single blow,
I'll bow down and call you master.
(whipping)
(grunts)
(grunting)
From here you can get an excellent view of my foot.
(thud)
(laughs)
Your swordsmanship... is amateur at best.
(whipping)
(grunting)
Your so-called kung-fu... is really... quite pathetic.
I asked you to demonstrate... what you know... and you did...
Not a goddamn thing!
Let's see your Tiger Crane... match my Eagle's Claw.
(whooshes)
(grunting)
(grunts)
(grunting)
(grunts/laughs)
(grunting continues)
(laughs)
(screams)
Like all Yankee women...
...all you can do is order in restaurants and spend a man's money.
Excruciating... isn't it?
Yes!
If it was my wish...
...I could chop your arm off.
No, please don't!
(laughs)
It's my arm now. I can do what I please.
If you can stop me... I suggest you try.
(screams)
I can't.
Because you're helpless?
Yes.
Have you ever felt this before?
No.
Compared to me... you're as helpless as a worm fighting an eagle?
YES!!!
THAT'S THE BEGINNING!
Is it your wish to possess this kind of power?
Yes!
Your training will begin... tomorrow.
(yells)
Since your arm now belongs to me...
...I want it strong.
Can you do that?
I can, but not that close.
Then you can't do it.
What if your enemy... is three inches in front of you...
...What do you do then...
...Curl into a ball...
...or do you put your FIST through him?
Now begin.
(grunts)
(groans)
It's the wood that should fear your hand...
- not the other way around.
No wonder you can't do it... you acquiesce to defeat...
- before you even begin.
(scoffs)
(grunting)
(continues grunting)
(grunting)
(continues grunting)
(gasping)
(grunting)
(yelling)
(continues yelling)
(rainfall)
(chopsticks fall)
If you want to eat like a dog...
You can live and sleep outside like a dog.
If you want to live and sleep like a human...
...pick up those sticks.
(sighs)
(whoosh)
(grunts)
Come on, you bitch.
(grunts)
OK, Pai Mei.
Here I come.
(grunting)
(grunting faster)
(gasping)
(wheezing)
(grunts)
(gasping)
(wheezing)
(breathing softly)
(chimes)
May I have a glass of water, please?
(screeching)